Saturday, November 1, 2014

Chutney Bhugti and the 5 Point Taliban

(Dedicated to all the classy CB Trolls and their pearls of wisdom(s))

Once upon a time there lived a best selling Baluchi writer, Chutney Bhugti, who enjoyed taking selfies with Osama Bin Laden and Mullah Omar of the Quetta Shura. Not joining his beloved Taliban (the Pakistani version of the Sangh Parivar) was one of the three biggest mistakes of Chutney Bhugti's life and he humbly considered himself as a five point somebody (on a scale of 100). He loved writing open letters to the likes of Bilawal Bhutto as closed letters were quite expensive. He grilled Biloo (a la mode d’Arnab Ghostswami) on heated TV debates and sarcastic news columns for being part of a corrupt legacy, his personal failings as a politician and of being a dynastic heir – but not for his lunatic rantings on Kashmir. However, Chutney Bhugti kept strangely quiet when it came to the corruption, violence and misdeeds of Nawaz Sharif and the Taliban, whom he clicked a lot of selfies with.

But Chutney Bhugti purported not to favour any political party and yet would still go on "chai pe charchas" and mutton biryani luncheons with Nawaz Sharif and his band of merry men. According to Chutney, Sharif knew exactly what young Pakistani wanted and he alone could help make Revolution 2021 happen.  CB wrote books on these themes and countless bus drivers, ragpickers and ward boys soon decided that these books were sent down from heaven. And the royalties kept pouring in like nobody's business, especially since the middle class soon realised that CB’s novels were more effective and less expensive than the best flyswatters in the market – of which CB happened to be a bigger expert than even the CAG & Finance Minister combined.

Chutney Bhugti once said in an interview: “I’m not a good writer, but a good selling one. Writing is the new caste system. People run away for miles when writers like me enter a room and the entire place gets deserted like my own Baluchi desert.  I have to write open letters to people as they wouldn’t bother to open my closed letters.  Then I manage fake FB polls which show that 49% of Pakistanis would vote for Nawaz Sharif and 50% for the Taliban and the remaining 1% for Imran Khan, PPP, etc.  My fake FB polls are free and fair (in your dreams!) Then my day begins with cheerleading for Nawaz Sharif and ends with eulogising the Taliban in a subtle sort of way. But I don’t actually support any of them since I am an impartial observer. However, the long-bearded one-eyed Mullahs, just like the pretty girls, are always right (or self-righteous).”

In another political commentary, after openly encouraging Nawaz Sharif to indulge in horse-trading (since cows were costly), CB claimed that it was better to be a deshdrohi than someone who littered. “Road Litter (not Twitter, stupid) trolls keep tossing garbage from the streets (not tweets) into my living room and creating a mess. I had invited my Indian butcher-cum chaiwalla friend, Modi aka Afzal Khan Aka Fekounter Sahib Aka Butterfly&MothsKaSaudagar to sweep my room with the golden broom gifted by his industrialist buddy & coastal landgrabber, Mukesh Adani – the same guy who closed a 100 Swiss banks accounts in twenty days during election time. Anyways, Modi laid 3 absurd conditions for sweeping my room: (1) It would only be a Photo-op session with no major sweeping activity actually getting done (2) Minimum 2 Pakistani celebrities should pose with Modi for selfies at my home (3) During the photo-op, Modi would recite cliche phrases like “May the Force be with you”, “I’m king of the world (from Titanic), and “Show me the (black) money, Ambani.” However, the Pakistani celebrities refused to pose with Modi on the grounds that he did not have influence with tax and administrative authorities there and it would be a total waste of their time.

The question now arises that why would a cold-blooded Baluchi like CB support a hawkish Punjabi politician like Sharif - and the answer was that his wife whom he had met at a top management institute at Lahore was a Punjabi and so Green (or Paki) Chutney was a supporter of not one but 2 States.  Besides, Green Chutney was an ardent fan of those who persecuted the weaker sections of society and loved to justify this persecution again under the pretence of being an impartial observer. And so this charade went on....

Then one night at a Taliban centre, CB bumped into Mullah Omar, the Half Blind chieftain. who angrily hurled abuse in Pashtun before saying something like "Deti hai todevarnakot le" or some gibberish. CB explains what followed: “I wanted to take a selfie and be best buddies with the angry Mullah Omar. He didn’t. He wanted to wrangle my neck, boil me in hot water and feed my corpse to tigers. I didn’t. I hoped it was just a dream. It wasn’t. Mullah Omar and I finally reached a compromise – we agreed to become Half Enemies.”

I have written so much about CB in this article that writing any more will be like shifting the goal post after the match is over – in the first place that’s impossible, and in the second, even if it were possible, it would be useless. But CB wouldn’t  have ended his article here. I will!

(P.S. My next piece could be an Ode to the eagerly awaited yet elusive ACCHE DIN)


  1. This is a superb piece - proves Vivek's understanding of Chetan Bhagat is sound. LOL.

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  3. Brilliant essay is all I can say. Too good.

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