Thursday, May 14, 2015

THE HEAVENSGATE SCANDAL: A Short Story by Vivek Pereira

(A Political Satire as it first appeared on indolink.com and in 'Rose Gardens and Minefields', a literary bhel puri published in 2010)

It was a hot flinter aftermoon on the Planet Zrrxy. The God shield had been switched on while the Tellicans discussed a top-secret mission. This shield was used by the inhabitants to ward off the presence of the almighty from the vicinity of their planet. Nothing, no sound, light or matter could penetrate this shield. It was the ultimate invention.

The Tellicans were a creative race whose influence had spread throughout the universe. There are many wild rumors about this ambitious race. Some say that they are the aliens who hover over earth in flying saucers with the intention of monitoring the progress of humanity on the planet. Some even say that the Supreme Being was created by this technologically advanced race. These Tellicans were alleged to possess the most dangerous of all inventions viz. The Universe Reverser. This device could reverse the effect of the Big Bang such that the whole Universe would collapse into a tiny, primeval atom, and ultimately into nothingness. The dark angels of Satan were desperately plotting to steal the Universe Reverser from them.

The Tellicans had borrowed the concept of the Internet in the development of the Universenet which linked almost all intelligent life forms that existed throughout the world. Tellica, their cyberwebsite, was the most popular site which specialised in webcasting universal news.

At length, the Tellicans had finished their intense discussion. The God shield was off. Nobody, not even the almighty, was aware of what had transpired during the meeting (except for the Tellicans, of course).

The Gates of Heaven are enormous structures that prevent the extremely sinful from entering that cherished place. These gates were made up of Kryptonite which is widely considered to be the strongest element in the Universe. When the devils bombarded these solid gates, the ammunition had bounced off harmlessly into the dark void. The living dead formed a never-ending queue down the long, spiral staircase which originated at The Limbo. The supervisas were issued by the ministry only to those who had passed the test of life. A special supercomputer processed the track record of each individual case with the help of a complicated software program, 'The Morality Examiner'. A report was instantly generated that decided the outcome of each case. The supervisas were issued only if the results of the reports were positive.

"I'm sorry, but we cannot give you the visa," St. Jitley told a living dead, "You will have to go to Hell !"

The report had clearly indicated that the applicant had failed the test miserably. The applicant refused to budge an inch. He gave a sheepish smile and winked.

"What do you want?" asked St. Jitley. "You will have to go away."
 "Yeah, yeah," said the applicant, absolutely out of context.
 "Then why don't you?" 
"Okay." 
"Okay, what?"
 "Yeah, Yeah" 
"You must be crazy."
 "yeah, yeah."

St. Jitley grew impatient. The queue was extremely large as usual, and she had no time for this foolish soul. She would have to ask the Divine Security to throw him out of the reception area. But, before she could press the buzzer, the living dead opened up his suitcase The contents were breathtaking. There was a piece of a Giant Buddha statue that was destroyed by the evil Taliban regime, a glittering sidereal clock that measured the progress of time, a halo intensifier that made the glow brighter, a Martian chocolate bar, a miniature statue of an honest politician (the most endangered species on planet earth) and a large bundle of Divine Dollars.

"Take your pick," said the soul, with an air of nonchalance.
 "But, this is nothing but bribery."
"(Winks) Yeah, Yeah."
 "I think I'll settle for the Halo Intensifier."
"Okay." 
"The glow of our halos are fading. These sort of deals are the cause, I think."

The living dead laughed loudly. "Were there many such deals ?" he asked. 
"Yeah, yeah," mimicked St. Jitley, grinning from ear to ear. 
"Can you give me some instances?"
 "We have allowed Adolf Hitler to enter Heaven in exchange for some precious Nazi gold ." 
"Yeah, yeah." 
"We have illegally issued a lot of supervisas for sinners who did not really deserve the magnificence of heaven. They greased our palms, and we gave them what they wanted."
 "Okay. I see."
 "Now, you can give the Halo Intensifier to the angel on my right."
 "Okay," said the soul, handing the device to the angel on the left-hand side of St. Jitley. 
"Now, you can meet the next angel in the hierarchy, St. Namxal. I'll make sure that he helps you."
 "Yeah, yeah."

The living dead moved (dead men don't walk, silly) closer to those massive gates. He could clearly make out the writing on a board at the side. It was one of the unrecorded beatitudes which read : "Blessed are those who are dead - for they do not have to live."

St. Namxal was an elderly angel. He was short and dark. The fluorescent spectacles that he wore gave him an air of respectability. 

"I have your fudged report here right in front of me," he said. 
"That's right," said the soul, a being of few words. 
"There must be some good reason why it has been fudged. I heard that you are making a contribution to our special fund."
 "Yeah, yeah. Sir, what do you want ?" 
"Give me dollars." 
"How much ?" 
"Whatever you've got." 
"Sir, here is my contribution to your Judgement Day Fund."

St. Namxal smiled. He took the money and put it casually into a secret drawer in his desk.

 "Now give me my supervisa," said the grateful living dead. 
"I'm sorry, I cannot. Now go away."
"Yeah, yeah."

The living dead laughed heartily all the way back to the planet Zrxxy. He was actually an undercover reporter for the popular Tellica cyberwebsite. During the meeting on Zrxxy, the editorial board of the cyberwebsite had decided to investigate the rumours of corruption at the gates of Heaven. The sting operation was successful in exposing the scam. The hidden cameras and the concealed microphones had done their bit. St.George resigned as the Entrance Minister of Heaven. A one-angel inquiry committee was set up to probe the various aspects of the scandal. The report of the inquiry was shredded and the tiny fragments were tossed out into the cold, dark void of space.

1 comment :

Anonymous said...

A Daniel! A Daniel!